Overcoming Imposter Syndrome as a WOC with Sukhi Kaur

Speaker 1 (00:01):

Welcome to the what wild women want podcast. I'm Rachel Rose, your personal certified feminine awakening, coach energy healer, and intuitive reader. This is a weekly show where women are empowered to unapologetically activate their goddess mode and reclaim their birthright to love freedom, happiness, and abundance. This is a shrinking violet free zone. Guys. Get ready for raw open and absolutely necessary conversations to supercharge your self love journey. I love you. You are worth it. Let's get started.

Speaker 1 (00:57):

Welcome back to the what wild women want podcast. And I'm your host, Rachel Rose. I've talked to you all here and there about growing a business and showing up as a coach healer and intuitive online. It really was not easy at all. At first I expected learning about strategy to be as tricky as it was in the beginning, but I was not expecting what proved to be one of my biggest hurdles imposter syndrome. I thought that I was just a bit nervous and I, as I'd never really done the whole online business thing for real, but as I dug a little deeper, I discovered that this lack of self-belief and self-confidence had been leaking itself into other areas of my life without me even realizing it. I first thought it was due to just circumstances like the wrong boss, lack of experience, but with more soul searching, I realized I had inherited this chronic feeling of not being good enough.

Speaker 1 (01:50):

I realized I was carrying not just my own confidence wound, but many of my ancestors' confidence wound as well. Today's guest is an absolute expert on this topic. And it is actually the reason why as soon as she introduced herself online, I was like, "mate, you're coming on the show"! I have with me today. The lovely Sukhi Kaur. Sukhi is a certified life coach who uses mindset work to help high achieving women of color overcome imposter syndrome so that they can work less and get paid more. As a first generation Indian American woman who has worked in corporate for 13 years, Suki knows what it's like to have the internal imposter syndrome experience, and yet rely on external circumstances for meaningful change. Sukhi acknowledges the impact of culture on societal messages on women and empowers her clients to stop overcompensating, to prove their worth value, their contributions and play an active role in their growth. It all starts with small mindset shifts, which she helps her clients with during virtual one-on-one coaching sessions. Welcome Sukhi.

Speaker 2 (02:57):

Thanks so much for having me. I'm lovely to be on this podcast, and I'm so glad that we met online and connected, um, especially to get the word output for more women of color and just for all women, really.

Speaker 1 (03:10):

Yes. Hell yes. I was like, yeah, this is definitely has to be an episode. We have to be best friends. Let's do a show. <laugh> so, so happy to have you here. And I know like we have been really like riffing on so many different things, like to the point where we were like, let's hit record because we might not get an episode. So <laugh> so why don't we, you know, go all the way back, you know, before we jump ahead. And why don't you tell us more about your background and how you came to focus on imposter syndrome for women of color?

Speaker 2 (03:43):

Yeah, so it all started with my own experience. So it was, I've been working corporate for so long and it was not until I became a director at a bigger company about three and a half years ago where I joined the team and it was the highest salary of me, the highest rank I've gotten to. And I really worked hard to get there, but as soon as I sat in that seat, I was like, oh, I don't, I don't belong here. Like these guys made a mistake. Like I got it from luck. And that's when I was like, all right, you know what I've changed in the first decade of my career, I've changed my job five times thinking it has to be the right manager, the right team, that all the stars have to align, but it's really like my beliefs about myself. And it wasn't until much later in my career where I was like, oh, finally, like, okay, I have to work on this or else, like it's gonna cost me so much.

Speaker 2 (04:36):

Um, so that's where I really got started where I'm like, okay, what is this what's happening with me? Because, um, you know, there's just so much going on and being someone that's first generation and Indian and growing up in the US (United States), it just all comes together where it impacts how I was showing like all the different messaging was, was impacting how I was showing up at work. Um, and it was small things where like, it'll be like some small cultural, you know, message like, oh, like in my culture, women are not really dominant and they're, it's more accepted for males to be the leader. So who am I to be the leader at this job? Am I trying to be an, am I being an imposter? Am I being myself? And it was just, that's just really how I got started by working on it for myself.

Speaker 2 (05:22):

And that's how, when I was like, you know what, I need to help other women of color because there's so much coaching out there, but there, it's not specific to the point where you really, you know, it, it really entails everything. It's not just about being a woman, but there's another layer of culture on top and just our full, like holistic experience versus just, you know, having general coaching for women in general, rather than more specific, that'll be helpful. With Imposter syndrome I know that, um, with studies we'll see stats out there that is more common in high achieving women of color, but, and yeah, there are studies out there and sometimes we use it as evidence to justify how we feel, but it doesn't mean that we have to keep on adding to these numbers and accepting them. Right? So these are just like stats that are out there. Um, but that's really like, I'm one of them and there's so many of my clients and other people I know that are having this internal struggle and keeping it to themselves because it brings up so much negative emotion. And it's just, you know, to say that, Hey, there are people out there that see you and you CAN work on this. It doesn't have to be a hidden internal experience.

Speaker 1 (06:34):

Yes. I love how you said, you know, let's not add to statistics. That is perfect. I think particularly, you know, it's 20, 22 now. I feel like there's a really different change of energy this year. But as we've been leading up to this year, I think that we've all really had this major shift anyway. Like we've just been like, actually I am gonna go for the leadership roles regardless of my skin color, regardless of what everyone else before me has done. And I just find quite interesting, the fact that you focus on high achieving women of color. So what is it about high achieving women of color that you've feel like that imposter syndrome shows up? I know you spoke a little bit about like, okay, I've gotten this far. Why am I here? You know, how did am I even allowed to be here, but what else shows up for them? And you know, why have you chosen to really hone in on this particular type of woman

Speaker 2 (07:25):

Mm-hmm <affirmative> well, yeah, well that was me, right? So that's really like what I have the experience of working so hard and then still, you know, looking for that external, because it go from school, it makes sense to get a job. And then, so you're on a structured path until you get a job. And then that's where the decision is on you to whether or not you grow, how you own it and imposter syndrome with high achieving women. I, I think it's, it's very common and, and it's something that needs to be worked on and talked about more because it's, it shows up the most at work when there is no structure left where it's like, oh, you just get a job. And that's good enough, really. And I focus on that because it's like, you don't feel like you're good enough to be where you earn to be.

Speaker 2 (08:10):

You don't acknowledge your, you know, your success, you don't own it. And then you also just hinder your own growth. You don't allow yourself to get further because a lot of times like, um, I'm first generation, like I know with my answers, they didn't have the opportunities that I have. And I feel like it's almost like at times I would feel guilty for wanting more cuz it's, I'm lucky enough that I got to this far. And so if I want even more, then it's like me just maybe being greedy, but it's really not. It's like hindering cuz of fear of like, am I gonna be able to own that next stop if I can't own it ne um, I can't own where I am now. So our brains really trick us in that way to keep us in this comfort safety. Um, and this is what our brains are like, you know, that's just their job, that's their just structure to keep us safe and comfortable, but it just, it's just not helpful. And it really shows up as you move up the ladder and I I've experienced it firsthand.

Speaker 1 (09:10):

Wow, no, I can, you know, what you were talking about, you know, this feeling of getting so far and then not having the support, I just feel, you know, was there like a protective layer that we've all experienced as women of color? And there is a sense of autonomy that from our cultural background, wasn't really, um, uh, what's the word I'm looking for. Wasn't really propagated or wasn't really, you know, pushed that we should be focusing on that because we are women. Um, and I know we did touch on that. Um, you know, being women in our roles as women in our culture. So please dive in a little bit deeper in that. Cause we were talking about how we're both sisters of older brothers and how in our cultures, you know, men are in this hierarchy. So possibly there's something there. Whereas we haven't necessarily felt like we've had that support because in our culture we always taught that we're secondary. And you know, the fact that you've even got so far is a bit of a fluke because women don't normally get that far.

Speaker 2 (10:12):

Yeah. And it's like, oh, you should be grateful for how far you've gotten..um I have an older brother and I've always been very aware that, um, a girl and I'm younger and decision making, hasn't been something that's been pushed where like, oh yeah, like go and try to take risks and just see what happens. And you'll just be okay. And it's like, no, if I'm making a decision on my own, it better be a good one because otherwise I'm going to go back and, you know, culture, it's not accepted for you to take risks as it is. Mm-hmm <affirmative>. And then if it's, if you fall on your face and it's, then it's the end of the world, but really what's gonna happen is you fall in your face, you're gonna have a negative feeling and you're gonna get up and go try to do it again, unless you make it mean so many things.

Speaker 2 (10:54):

Mm-hmm <affirmative>, which I think a lot of times what we're gonna make it mean holds us back from doing the things right. From doing the hard stuff. So it's always just like making sure it's worth it. And how would we really know if something's worth it without trying it. But I think that mentality of putting ourselves in like the culture of perspective of like, even like intergenerational, right? Like breaking cycles or doing it slowly, slowly, but there's a lot that comes into play where we're like, oh, if we do it, it has to be this way to prove ourselves. But it's a whole other ball game. When you start gaining the skill to see what beliefs are holding you back, because then you learn to have your own back and you don't have to have the right answer in the first go. Mm. So I think that's just like really the game changer where you're like, okay, yeah, messed up. Doesn't mean I'm horrible. But usually that's what our brains go to like see, stop. You probably should have asked someone's advice.

Speaker 1 (11:55):

Yes. I love that you brought that out because we really villainize not getting it all perfect. Uh, particularly as women of color. And I think all of us have at least some degree of shame that we have had to heal and are still healing. Um, because of the embarrassment of, oh, you know, I'm already a minority. I don't wanna mess up because that's even more of a tag on me to say, oh gosh. Yeah. You know?

Speaker 2 (12:22):

Right. Yeah. And like, I think that's why, like, I don't know if it was the same for you, but in school it was like, oh yeah, like of course I'm Indian. I have to do really well in school. Or like, of course I'll get A's. And it was just like, that was a standard that you have to do really well to kind of sit at the seat. Right. But then when you become, then when you sit in other seats and you don't own it, it's, it's a whole other ballgame and it shows, it manifests in so many ways. It's where it's the internal experience. Your feelings really drive what you are able to do, like what you're allow yourself to do. But that really comes from what you're believing about yourself. That's it? So even like, yeah, like even, you know how I say, like I help high achieving women overcome imposter syndrome so they can work less and get paid more because likely when women are questioning their worth and like thinking like, oh, I'm not good enough to be here.

Speaker 2 (13:15):

Um, and I'm just lucky and I should just be grateful. Like they're really like overcompensating for their worth. Like with their hours of time, like I used to work so many hours and trying to almost prove that I belong where I've already gotten a seat at. Right. So it was like, I was still earning where I earning up to where I already was. And even with getting paid more, like not asking for raises and not really believing that you can put yourself up for the next promotion or the next job. Um, I think, I think that becomes from a lot of like self belief and, and it, you know, whether it allows you to move forward with that.

Speaker 1 (13:53):

Mm. Do you know what that makes me think of? I remember at my last (work)place they were talking about, um, different minorities and the different pay scales and statistically mm-hmm <affirmative> I think for that, I think it was black history month. So we're focusing more on black people, but in general, the minor statistics against white statistics without minorities were paid X percentage less. What do you personally believe? And you know, if this comes up with your clients, what do you say to them when you hear these kind of things amongst our own communities or amongst our other respective communities that, you know, this is just the way it is, for example, or, um, you know, we're only gonna make so much these kind of limiting beliefs that come about. What are your thoughts and do are these kind of thoughts that come up for your clients that because they come from a certain background, that's all they're ever going to be.

Speaker 2 (14:46):

Yeah, definitely. And they, it comes up for my clients and it came up for me where, you know, a lot of times we think like this is the highest we'll make. And like, we better like hold onto it. Mm-hmm <affirmative>. So it's like, we hold onto our jobs as a security because it's like, oh, this is the best I can get. But that comes from a lot of scarcity. Right. Mm-hmm <affirmative> and like, it shows when you're, we're holding onto something so tight, it's like a hug that becomes like too tight and it becomes too suffocating. And then you have to rely on having that job to have some worth. And then it becomes this vicious cycle where it's like, you're holding onto this thing to have value for yourself and feel worthy. But then it's on that thing, whether it's state, like, you know, you're putting your power into something external mm-hmm <affirmative>.

Speaker 2 (15:32):

Um, so it does come up and what I usually do is like, you know, that belief, like I'll try to get very specific of like, okay, when's the last specific time that you thought that, and what feeling did that create for you? Like when you think this is a, this is the best I can do. Like, this is the most I can get paid. Mm-hmm <affirmative> like, what feeling did that create for you? What actions in those feelings drive, allow you to drive you to do? Because all our humans are, we do everything based on our feelings. Like every single option is driven by a feeling. So then that really creates your results. And I kind of break it down in that kind of, um, I call it like a model. So it's like, I kind of break it down in that technique where they can see and become more self aware that it's not the fact that somebody said something or their stats out there. It's really what they're believing. That's creating their, their feeling versus somebody saying, Hey, you can't make more. Or them seeing an article saying like likely in your minority group, like, this is how much you're gonna get paid. Mm-hmm <affirmative>. So it's really not about external circumstances, like what you're believing about it and making it mean that impacts whatever you can and can't do. Yes.

Speaker 1 (16:41):

I completely agree. It's such a hard nut to crack though, because I feel, you know, in a lot of different situations, but you are whoever your circle is. So if you're surrounded by a lot of other people from your community who make this, the like truest, like belief that okay, because we're X color, that's all we're ever gonna be. It's really hard to break out of, but you're completely right. I think you create your reality with your thoughts, isn't it. And I think we all underestimate how powerful they are. We are making laws for the universe every time we say this is fact. Yeah. You know, and we're creating our own experience.

Speaker 2 (17:19):

Yeah. You're so right. That it just starts from that. Right? Like differentiating, is this a fact or is this just my own story and my own opinion mm-hmm <affirmative> and then that self-awareness just drives everything. Like that starts to unwind a lot of things where it's like, oh boy, like, I didn't realize like, you know, I actually have ownership of my life. Cause I think that's what the main thing I do is with my clients is like, allow them to learn these self-aware like, be more self-aware so they can start taking more ownership because a lot of times it's like, oh, my circumstances were very limited. And I only had so many opportunities and blah, blah, blah. And like, you know, there's so much messaging and there is, that's why we ha like, you know, how imposter syndromes created is from like negative beliefs about yourself. But then at the same time, you do have power within you to create the awareness, start rewiring those beliefs and rewiring kind of like your brain pretty much, but intentionally. Mm. So

Speaker 1 (18:19):

Yes. And I think as well, you know, when we are rewiring, I know it can be quite frustrating because we get in our head a lot and, you know, rewiring your brain is not something you can just, you know, order on an app or something. You know, it takes a lot of work. It's a lot of rehealing and it kind of leads on to what we were talking about offline about intergenerational cycle breaking. So please tell us about, you know, when you realized that actually you were chosen to actually be that generational cycle breaker in your own lineage and you know, how that affects you and, and what your experience was.

Speaker 2 (18:54):

Yeah. I think that was early on for me to be honest, um, growing up, like I mentioned, I have a older brother and I have a lot of cousins as well, but like I was a younger sister and the daughter. So I think for me, it was being very aware that I'm a girl and that my options are different. So it was always, I would question them, but then I realized that, you know, it, it wasn't accepted as much to question what my options were because my past generations, like my ancestors could never imagine living by themselves and like opening their own business and doing, being as independent. Mm. Um, so for me it was like, oh, okay. Yeah, I'm gonna, if I want to take advantage of the fact that I do have more opportunities, I'm going to have to do things that are outside of my comfort zone for sure.

Speaker 2 (19:43):

And even with family, like kind of walk them with me of like, I have to first believe in it myself, and then I'm gonna be able to say, Hey, I know you thought this forever and you don't believe it, but I do. And like, I'm gonna see how it works. And like, but the trick there is like, you can say that, but you really have to do the work internally to have your own back and to really believe it. So I think for me, it was just, um, I learned it. I, I realized that really early on and in order for things to change, like you just have, yeah. I just have to take advantage of the opportunities, cuz even my, like my mom and my grandma, like my, you know, ancestors, they took advantage of every single new opportunity they had. I just think that it's one thing to keep our, you know, make our ancestors proud, but also to set up the next generation. Yes. The way that we would want, like our, I don't have kids yet, but you know, setting up for the next generation of like, Hey, like this San such did this. And like I can add on cuz it's all about like adding little, little things. Yes. Um, it is heavy at times. I will have to say <laugh> it does feel heavy to do it, but I think it's then what other way is there is just to go with the flow and then not have many things change.

Speaker 1 (21:00):

That's it? And I think what you said was beautiful. I think once we realized actually we're clearing the way for the bloodline ahead of us, you know, not only, you know, talking about what's happened before us, but the women that are coming after us long after us, that's what we're working towards. So even when it's feels so hard and even when it feels like, you know, things are stacked against us and we're fighting this battle alone, one, we're not because you know, we have each other we're on different sides of the planet and here we are with the same purposes. Yeah. But also all the women like to come, you know, think of, you know, we are both so grateful for the women that came before us because we are both in completely different countries than where our family were born. And yet here we are making, you know, big changes. So we're doing the same for the women to come, which is amazing.

Speaker 2 (21:48):

Yeah. And it is to say that, you know, one thing that helped me a lot was I, I realized that I can appreciate my culture and my roots and that the limiting beliefs do not equal my culture. Oh yes. And then me questioning them does not mean that I'm going against my culture and that's like the whole of it. Right. It's just that there's certain messages that are not serving me and I wanna change them. It's not that I'm just going against the whole thing. And I just think that, you know, wanna dissociate cuz that's not, that's not it. But I think accepting that, Hey, there are messages I'm gonna acknowledge it. I'm not gonna hide it because hiding the imposter syndrome is all like it amplifies more because we hide the experience. And I think just accepting like, Hey, I do have these messages. And so it makes sense why I'm feeling this way, but then let me try to dismantle like my own beliefs because that's where only part you can start really is like within yourself to help others.

Speaker 1 (22:49):

Oh my God. That was wonderful. There's so much to unpack there. I love that. The more that you even fight against it, the more it grows. And I love that. I think it's again, you know, paving the way to accept culture where patriarchy doesn't have to have this hold on us. We can accept our culture in a different way. That doesn't necessarily mean that we have to stay small and caged. So I'm so happy that you brought that up. And so, oh, I'm sure my listeners are like, I wanna know who Sukhi is. I wanna work with us. So please tell us what you're offering all of our listeners out there.

Speaker 2 (23:27):

Yeah. So a lot of people, I, um, you know, when they hear about coaching, they haven't really done it. So what I do is I offer a free consultation session for an hour and I offer it by Zoom. So we can do a video chat, get to know each other. And basically how I set that up is to make sure that like coaching with me one on one is what you need. Mm-hmm <affirmative> um, I think that's, you know, making sure that that's gonna be more beneficial for you than working with someone else. Like if you need to other venues like therapy, whatever else, like just making sure that coaching is the right fit. And then, so what I do is I, you know, I offer that free 16 minute session and we would talk about where you are, where you wanna be and basically how I would help you. Um, and yeah, and as I mentioned, I do focus on work first because I think most women that are high achieving do focus so much on work. And then of course I'm a life coach. So we talk about other venues / other areas of life. But, um, yeah, so you can set up a free consultation session and we can start from there.

Speaker 1 (24:29):

Yes. And the link is in the show notes guys, for you to catch up with Sukhi and see if she's gonna be a really good fit for you. I'm sure she will be. And so we know how to work with you. We know how to at least get consultation with you. How do we find you on social media so we can stalk you and watch those reels that we were talking about

Speaker 2 (24:47):

Offline? <Laugh> yes. Social. Media's such a great thing where we can connect to anyone around the world. And it's amazing. Um, I, you can find, I hang out the most on Instagram. Uh, you can find me on Sukhi at underscore life coach. So it's S U K H I underscore life coach and yeah, you can connect with me there, hang out there almost every day. And so yeah, I look forward to connecting with more of your listeners and just listening into your podcast cuz I love it.

Speaker 1 (25:20):

Oh, yay. Oh, thank you! And so, okay. I warned you, I warned you. I'm gonna have a silly question. So if you could embody any celebrity's confidence, living or dead, who would it be?

Speaker 2 (25:40):

I would say Michelle Obama. Um, she's such a good, uh, I wanna embody her confidence because she's such a good example for all of us out there where she really owns her experience is vulnerable in sharing her story and still sets an example and still goes out and does the scary things that we are afraid of. Um, so it's really just, oh, she owns it. She acknowledges it and she just leaves the way...

Speaker 3 (26:07):

And that is all we have time for for today. Guys, if you love this episode, take a screenshot and share it on your Instagram and stories. I am @thehealingroseholistics. Feel to send me DM. Love you. Let me know what you liked about this episode and let me know what you want to see more of. Have a good one!